Ask an Expert: Is My Sadness After a Breakup Normal, Or Is It ...

Recently a reader wrote in with a problem I can certainly relate to: How can you tell if your sadness after a breakup is a normal response, or if you might be suffering from depression? I turned to a mental health expert to get the right guidance.

Our reader wrote:

"I recently broke up with my boyfriend after a few rocky weeks, and I'm really torn up about it. We officially split and he told me he needs some space about two days ago. I know, I know...you've heard the story 675,234,198 times already. We all know that everyone tends to wallow in self-pity after a harsh breakup. But how do you know when the mourning is normal, or something you should see a doctor about? I feel like sleeping all the time, I haven't eaten in days, and I want to cry all the time. ALL the time. We only dated for about 6 months. Is my reaction normal, or is this depression?"

This question hit really home for me, and I bet that many of you have wondered the same thing after a breakup or other various bad time in your life. But because it's such a serious question, I wanted to get an answer from a qualified expert. Joseph Burgo, PhD., is a clinical psychologist who has worked in the mental health field for over 30 years, and writes about it on his own website, After Psychotherapy, and for Psychology Today. I asked him our reader's question, and his response is as follows.

"Whenever an important relationship ends, the loss feels a bit like a kind of death and we may go into mourning for it. Many of the symptoms of grieving and depression overlap, so it?s no surprise you?re wondering which you?re suffering from. Sadness, loss of appetite and sleeplessness are prominent features of both bereavement and depression. The intensity of your symptoms, along with the relative shortness of the relationship, leads me to believe there?s more going on here than simple grief.

Here are some ways to tell the difference:

• Except in the most profound forms of mourning - for the loss of a child, say, or a life partner of many, many years - grief wouldn?t shatter you as profoundly as the end of this relationship has done. Reading between the lines, I feel as if this loss has shaken your very sense of self-worth.
• Ongoing sadness and intermittent tears are a normal part of grief; wanting to cry ALL the time, as you say, is quite another. Your pain seems relentless and unbearable, as if there?s nothing of value or meaning left for you. That sounds like depression.
• Loss of appetite often accompanies grief, but the fact that you have not eaten for days makes me concerned for your health and welfare. Even someone in deep mourning will eat in order to survive.

In my practice, when I?ve worked with people suffering like you after the end of a relatively brief relationship, I?ve often found that they idealized that relationship, looking to it as a kind of ?answer? for all their troubles, the thing that would finally make them ?happy.? In a way, they relied upon the relationship as a kind of emotional anti-depressant. In the early stages, falling in love feels intoxicating and can lift us out of a pre-existing depression. When the relationship comes to end, we may fall back into that depression. We might believe that the depressive symptoms we experience mean we?re in mourning for the relationship, when in fact, the depression we temporarily escaped through the romance drug has resurfaced.

In either case - whether it?s depression or grief for the loss of a relationship - it helps enormously not to weather the experience alone. Even short-term psychotherapy can bring immense relief. In the area where you live, you might want to search for a therapist who practices in a psychodynamic or empathic mode. Avoid professionals who immediately want to place you on an anti-depressant. Cognitive-behaviorists can be quite helpful in certain cases, but when suffering as deeply as you seem to be, what you really need is a sympathetic ear and someone who can bear with your pain as you grieve or explore the meaning of your depression."

For more from Dr. Burgo, consider picking up his new book, Why Do I Do That?: Psychological Defense Mechanisms and the Hidden Ways They Shape Our Lives.

On a more personal note, I wanted to share with our reader and with anyone feeling the same way that I've been there before myself and chose to see a therapist when I was having a hard time bouncing back after a bad breakup. It was such an incredibly helpful experience for me. Whether or not you're technically suffering from depression, I don't see how it could be a bad idea to have a neutral and professional source to talk to while you're experiencing sadness. I only saw my therapist for about six months, but I found it was exactly what I needed to have a little extra release and to help me process my feelings and move on. There's absolutely no shame in seeking help for an issue like this. Sending lots of love to our reader!

Have you ever gone through more than the average sadness after a breakup? How did you deal with it?

Therapeutic relationship tactics:
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*Is It Time To Call It Quits in Your Relationship? How a Counselor Can Help You Decide.
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Photo: Thinkstock

Source: http://www.glamour.com/sex-love-life/blogs/smitten/2012/11/ask-an-expert-is-my-sadness-af.html

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